My Ejaculate Smells Like Jesus

Remember, if you have sex your penis will fall off, and your vagina will close up. Unless it's with me... ooh right babeh. ;)

Here are some other rules of the world as we know it:
- If you smoke then surely you do joke
- If you drink to excess then you do not think to excess
- If you dye your hair multiple colours, dreadlock it and wear stupid trousers, everyone will hate you. Even Tommy Lawson, the nicest man ever to live. Even nicer than Jesus.
- If you are a cunt, then you are a cunt.
- When someone calls you a cunt, they are actually saying "I would like to put my erect genetals inside your vaginal passage."
- Never try to have intercourse with a musical instrument. Especially not a drum kit. Because everyone will hear you.
- Upon attempting a maths question you must first find the nearest room full of complete strangers and yell the word "EQUATIONS!" upon entering. You will then get an A. For "abject retard".
- And finally, too much cat can mess with your head. No one wants to end up like Elouise. Seriously.

Just farted and sneezed at the same time and nearly did a poo. Isn't life wonderful? No. Just kidding, it is unless you are "The Sparkly One". I will let you figure that gem out for yourself. A clue is that they look like MC Hammer on crack... ;)

... But I'm writing a 14th

How sensational this sensationalisation happens to be occuringly being at this present post-humous moment in the time of being now. How correctly correct you would be being in asserting that you are rightly right in acknowledging the knowledge of knowing that the past two sentences made less sense than a dog. Yep, that's it. No batshit crazy-as-fuck analogy of an unusual happenstance, just a dog. So therefore, the sentences made a certain degree of nonsensical sense. Intriguing. Blarg.

So now that the introduction has unsuccessfully introduced this (the actual introduction) we must hasten onwards with today's triumphant tale of much wonder and veluptuosity.

Today, I ate a fish.


THE END.

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Because I are one bad motherfucker. You heard me.

So I was walking down the street the other day and I see guy do a backflip triple-shit-kick-spin into a passing motorcycle and was entirely absorbed by the motorcyclist into a new dimension. After gazing in awe at the strange happenstance, I ate my own eyeballs.

Just kidding. I didn't really eat my eyeballs. But I did shit myself.

In Continuation From My Previous Exclamations...

It transpired that Mr. Christmas himself lived in a small flat in the middle of Swindon. Unfortunately for me and my sidekick, Captain Jacob McCrumpet-Buggerer, Swindon (as we all know) is surrounded by an impenetrable 50 metre high steel wall, complete with its very own moat made of pure fire and dead train station staff.

We realised that the only way to cross was to become 100 foot tall and simply climb over the wall. We also realised that this idea, no matter how genius, was impractical, as humans have certain growth limitations. Those giraffes have it so fucking easy! However, after circling the moat of pure fire we noticed some large concrete stepping stones that were magically not melting. Fire balls with faces started jumping out of the moat to an inaudible metronome and it became worryingly apparent that we had walked into a game of Super Mario Galaxy. Thank god we had recently taken a masterclass in jumping inhuman heights as seen in every game ever, apart from all the really stupid games where your character can't jump coz his ankles are arthritic or his legs are on vertical strike or his shins have contracted AIDS or some bullcrap.

Navigating the maze of infinite ease was comparably completed with infinite ease and we soon found oursekf at the heart of the castle of doom that was Swindon. Steve then turned up out of the blue to apologise for being late and offered us a pie. Pie is where I obtain all of my power so as we faced the mighty 100 foot beast known as "Santa" we gathered all our might as the great and omnipotent force that is The Original Team Awesome and we smote him down with the power of our mortal blades.

And that, kids, is what happens when you take Acid. Remember, don't do drugs. Unless you're really cool, in which case take as much as possible coz it will kill you and nobody likes the cool kids. You drugged up junkie bastard spawn of hippies. BLARG!

Train Station Workers Are Nazis

Because they shouted at me when I was on my bike and threatened to both fine me £80 and, upon complaining that they were being cunts, to call the police. Me and Jacob left to continue our magical advernture to discover the true Father Christmas and left the vile, shit-eating, fucktarded arseholes to live their pathetic, empty and pointless little lives and their laughably late night shift hours. They will die lonely and horrifically after violently vomiting their brains out whilst being particularly rude to a common pigeon.

But enough about them, let us discuss our wonderous adventure of much herp, derp and overall joy and hilarity as we ventured deep into the bussom of the Ladymead Porsche Garage. It was here we knew we would be sure to find Sonic the Hedgehog having an O.D. on heroin. We knew only he could tell us where the real Santa was...

MAKE IT PERFECT... AND BRING ME MY DARNED COFFEE!

Well, this game is for nerds, good sir, and by jove am I marvelled by your eccentric whittisisms and such.

In other news, a lampost has been christened Toffee Pudding, named after it's mother, who happened to be a chocolate labrador. News reporters were stunned to find that the chocolate labrador was actually made out of chocolate. From this news erupted the mass cull of several million chocolate labradors that were eaten by fat kids. How they were caught is anyone's guess, but I have sufficient evidence to state that it was because of the "science" of wizardry, and fat kids' new ability to fly or levitate. I fear I am getting rather far from the point here, and I do not wish to be fired by Alan Sugar for delaying this intriguing piece of knowledge. However, I myself did try one of these chocolate labradors and as far as I could tell they tasted of wet dog. Perhaps it was just the one actual chocolate labrador. Anywho, "Toffee Pudding" is to be given as a great gift of kindness from the Satsuma Factory workers of Lower Ashcroft in Malaysia to the poor dying orphan children of one of the world's poorest towns, London.
This generous parting gift is London's goodbye gift from Malaysia as it becomes the first country to travel across to a new dimension. Luckily, this lampost contains kidney beans, which have been scientifically proven to be magic. Unfortunately, nobody was aware of this fact, yet it would be treasured for many years to come. Tenses are a great thing aren't they. I just changed tenses at least the number of 2 times. TENSES.

Koreans are people too, don't be so vacuous and vitriolic. You heterophobe.

Spongewank. That is correct, now your mission is to give it a meaning! Make it perfect... and bring me my darned coffee...

"Who Do You Love Adam?" ..."HAYLEY WILLIAMS!"

I may have said that when I was drunk last Tuesday night. After a great party I decided to start listening to my iPod, and then Jacob filmed it and now I look like such white-trash. :(

Also it would appear that when drunk I have a penchant for pop-punk. o.0

But, as is tradition, here is the song that graced my friends ears as it spewed ungraciously from my somewhat inebriated tongue. (What a wonderful thing language happens to be).

She is a bit of a bitch, but this record was pretty damn awesome, so Hayley is forgiven.

Watchin' Futurama, recordin' songs and drawin' pics. That's my day. Pretty sick and shit.

So that's me. T'rah.

In Case Anyone Didn't Notice...

...I recently made a rather hilarious post for Kaytei's blog. I personally think it's very funny, I hope you do to.

I realise I haven't made a post for a few days, I couldn't really think of anything to post about in terms of music (as I like to accompany a post with a song) but now I have had that very epiphany.

Simon Payne (local legend) has become incredibly amazing at guitar within only a few months of playing and can play many songs I find tricky (I have been playing around 2 years) incredibly well, most recently of which is the song Laid To Rest by Lamb of God. I think this would be an ideal cover song for our band, because not only is it fun and awesome it is also "da metulz" and would give us good credibility as a band. But BMTH did a cover of Slipknot's Eyeless and people still think they're shit. So I guess "haterz gonna hate".

Last week has been brilliant. Simon, Horatio and Steve got back from France on Saturday and we have spent all of this week together being right lads. On sunday we went to Horatio's house, went to town for Greggs, went to Simon's for Nazi Zombies, decided that as much as I tried to be Gryffindor I turned out to be Hufflepuff and therefore addicted to pies, and then saw Harry Potter. On monday the guys came round mine for a jam and band stuff (both Phase 9 and Jane Doe) and then much later went swimming at the Surrey Sports Park, at which we witnessed Jacob's amazing diving skills. Yesterday we went to Abbie's party (Jacob's college friend) and had a right lol (I swear I didn't chug vodka and feel the need to give everyone hugs whilst rather drunk). We went back to Jacob's shed for Xboxing and antics at around 12 or 1a.m. and I sang two wonderful renditions of Umbrella and Misery Business, which Jacob may have recorded some of. Today we stayed around his playing more xbox until 2 or so when went to town for some more Greggs and then back to Horatio's where we watched Torchwood and then went home... AND HERE I AM.

That's me. T'rah :)

Human Violence At It's Finest...

...And I Want More.

A lyric from Suicide Silence there. I figured it was rather relevant given the Norway bombing the other day. The guy was such a megalomaniacal fascistical moron that even his own defense lawyer went on the news saying that his "client is insane." Even his lawyer had given up on him. Says a lot.

Suicide Silence write a lot about humans being a dispicable and horrific race and that "I Want More" part means he wants to see the human race rip itself apart and destroy itself to prevent us from inflicting anymore harm upon the world. I'm guessing this of course, it is merely an educated guess.

And for all you lovely people, here is the song that that lyric comes from, bewilderingly titled...

... Human Violence. Off their new album "The Black Crown." Must get ma hand on a copy (legally, obviously), but I've been a bit strapped for cash recently. Ooh, I'll ask for it for my birthday, which is only a couple of weeks away now. WOO!

It's weird that I'm not yet 16 and yet all my friends are. All in good time, all in good time...

"The road to hell is paved with your indiscretions."

"Once You Go Black, You Go Deaf"

After the old wii broke we now have a new wii! ... And it is BLACK! Although it is still a wii, so therefore a letdown on many levels. BUT IT LOOKS SO COOL... I'd still rather have an xbox :(

Had a sleepover yesterday with George (if there are any messages on social networking sites that are stupid/offensive then I apologise) and we played New Super Mario Bros, which we all died a ridiculous amount on, and then watched Jaws 2, Shaun of the Dead and Independence Day. Man, that sounds way too girly for a guy sleepover.

Oh, apparently Amy Winehouse has died (no doubting what of). I guess when she was actually making music and not being a media whore she was pretty good. It's a shame when people waste their lives like that though.

In more uplifting news I now have a member-follower-type-person-majig-wotsit-thing. THANK YOU.

And now, I shall bugger off.
T'rah!

Funkdunkulous

That is all.

"It'll Be Tomorrow By Today"

Today I has another band practice (the last one was yesterday, although only Jacob was there yesterday) with George (drums) and Jacob (bass). I'm guitar and vocals, by the way. We went through a coupla songs today, and taught Jacob his third song as a new addition to the band. Yesterday he learnt "Oxymoron" and today he learnt "Crying Wolf". The other song he knows is "Black Light". Apparently George [everyone] is sick of that one coz it's the first one everyone learnt, and is kinda complicated so took feck ages to learn/teach.

I'm really thrilled at the progress that we've made, especially Jacob. To be honest I'm sick and tired of sitting around as a band and not being able to do gigs. Soon that shall be changed. I'll give you guys (if there are any, which there aren't) a shout when that happens. That sentence is kinda pointless. So is this blog. NO ONE IS READING. BLABALABABLABALA! BALBALABALBALABLABLA! BALLS! BALLS! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLS!

I AM A STUPID COMPUTER GRAPHIC, AND I LIKE TO EAT POOP!

...the video this is from:

  This is genius, and I am tired.
T'rah.

Ventriloquism

It's the name of a song I just finished writing. As you can expect from my first couple of posts it's heavy (as fuck) with a decent bouncy riff. And it's about zombies. I mean, it's kinda sceney and possibly a bit corny/cheesey, but hell, zombies are just cool. It's also written from the zombie's perspective (sounds pretentious, I know), but it's really angry and violent. METAL!

At some point I will record the songs I have written with my band and make a MySpace for it and all that other internet junk. Seen as only my close friends know, my band is called Jane Doe (-the name they give a woman when she is unidentifiable upon death, or just generally unknown). I personally think it is a really cool name. But yeah, that's all I have to say on the matter.

Reminded today when Jacob came round for a jam about this iconic Sonisphere 2011 moment. Seen as it's one of the few songs Jacob properly knew by Slipknot, so when the opening riff started we both went varying degrees of mental.

Enjoy it.

T'rah. I'm off to watch Jaws.

"Periphery! Love that shit!"

Yeah, one band that my friends keep bugging me about because they've seen them live and I haven't is Periphery. For those of you who don't know, they are a sort of figure-head for the new metal genre of "djent", named after the guitar sound.

You're probably sitting there right now making that noise and seeing if it works. Well it does.

They played on the saturday of Sonisphere and unfortunately I was unable to see them, as I was only allowed to the sunday, as I am yet to turn 16 and become an adult in the eyes of U.K. law. Only a month to go though. And you wouldn't believe it if you saw me. BUT, the point is, that Periphery are amazing and my friends have been rubbing it in my face for the past 6 F***ING MONTHS! I know, my language is appaling.

Anywhore, I wanted to show you why they have been the forefront of me and my friends attention for the past year or so.

This is probably their most famous song (how mainstream) and indeed, one of their best.

And seen as I'm obssessed with them, here's another of The Defiled's songs;

I used to think this song wasn't as good compared to their others, but then I realised that this album has no bad songs. And this chorus is, to me, haunting. I absolutely love his singing voice. 

Yeah, that's me done.

T'rah.

Meine Bog Blog

Well, this is something new to me, but I figured, I'm bored and I haven't done this before. Also, I've been reading and following a few blogs and decided that although they were entertaining, they didn't really share my musical preferences (i.e. people posting RHCP videos on their post instead of, say, ADTR). I use this example because the bands have 4 letters and it's kinda cool. Wait, cool isn't what I meant. I think I meant GAY.

But, I digress...

This past coupla weeks has seen me attend both the Sunday of Sonisphere Knebworth and the entire of Guilfest. Both were amazing. At Soni I saw Black Tide, Arch Enemy, Parkway Drive, In Flames, Mastodon, Airbourne, Anberlin, Limp Bizkit, Bill Bailey and the all-supreme Slipknot. One of the best days of my life. Great atmosphere there too. When the intro for SK finished and the opening riff of (sic) came on I nearly had a bloody heart-attack. SO F***ING AWESOME!

Then Guilfest. The highlights being the headliners Funeral For A Friend, Skindred and The Defiled. Shame Gallows couldn't play but I'm not a huge fan so I didn't mind. The Defiled had a really small crowd. I figure it was coz loads of people who would've turned up for Gallows just didn't bother, so G'Fest was more empty.

I am loving The Defiled so much at the moment (even more than usual). Here is meine personal favourite song: Metropolis

They also have actual videos for Call To Arms, and The Resurrectionists. They are a really good, but really small band at the moment so go check 'em out, give 'em your support, buy a t-shirt, whatever. As well as this
I ACTUALLY MET THEM!!! I met the three guys on the left in the pic in the vid. They were really nice guys and I got a picture with them, although I don't have it, one of my friends does.


Also, Skindred, who have to be the 2nd best band I have ever seen live (second only to Slipknot) have some awesome choons. Here's one off their newest album: Warning

Has guest vocals from Jacoby Shaddix from Papa Roach, who is a fantastic singer and has an amazing band too.

Well, that's my first post done.


I'll see you when I see you.
BYE BITCHES!