It transpired that Mr. Christmas himself lived in a small flat in the middle of Swindon. Unfortunately for me and my sidekick, Captain Jacob McCrumpet-Buggerer, Swindon (as we all know) is surrounded by an impenetrable 50 metre high steel wall, complete with its very own moat made of pure fire and dead train station staff.
We realised that the only way to cross was to become 100 foot tall and simply climb over the wall. We also realised that this idea, no matter how genius, was impractical, as humans have certain growth limitations. Those giraffes have it so fucking easy! However, after circling the moat of pure fire we noticed some large concrete stepping stones that were magically not melting. Fire balls with faces started jumping out of the moat to an inaudible metronome and it became worryingly apparent that we had walked into a game of Super Mario Galaxy. Thank god we had recently taken a masterclass in jumping inhuman heights as seen in every game ever, apart from all the really stupid games where your character can't jump coz his ankles are arthritic or his legs are on vertical strike or his shins have contracted AIDS or some bullcrap.
Navigating the maze of infinite ease was comparably completed with infinite ease and we soon found oursekf at the heart of the castle of doom that was Swindon. Steve then turned up out of the blue to apologise for being late and offered us a pie. Pie is where I obtain all of my power so as we faced the mighty 100 foot beast known as "Santa" we gathered all our might as the great and omnipotent force that is The Original Team Awesome and we smote him down with the power of our mortal blades.
And that, kids, is what happens when you take Acid. Remember, don't do drugs. Unless you're really cool, in which case take as much as possible coz it will kill you and nobody likes the cool kids. You drugged up junkie bastard spawn of hippies. BLARG!
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