Thursday, 15 September 2011

My Ejaculate Smells Like Jesus

Remember, if you have sex your penis will fall off, and your vagina will close up. Unless it's with me... ooh right babeh. ;)

Here are some other rules of the world as we know it:
- If you smoke then surely you do joke
- If you drink to excess then you do not think to excess
- If you dye your hair multiple colours, dreadlock it and wear stupid trousers, everyone will hate you. Even Tommy Lawson, the nicest man ever to live. Even nicer than Jesus.
- If you are a cunt, then you are a cunt.
- When someone calls you a cunt, they are actually saying "I would like to put my erect genetals inside your vaginal passage."
- Never try to have intercourse with a musical instrument. Especially not a drum kit. Because everyone will hear you.
- Upon attempting a maths question you must first find the nearest room full of complete strangers and yell the word "EQUATIONS!" upon entering. You will then get an A. For "abject retard".
- And finally, too much cat can mess with your head. No one wants to end up like Elouise. Seriously.

Just farted and sneezed at the same time and nearly did a poo. Isn't life wonderful? No. Just kidding, it is unless you are "The Sparkly One". I will let you figure that gem out for yourself. A clue is that they look like MC Hammer on crack... ;)

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

... But I'm writing a 14th

How sensational this sensationalisation happens to be occuringly being at this present post-humous moment in the time of being now. How correctly correct you would be being in asserting that you are rightly right in acknowledging the knowledge of knowing that the past two sentences made less sense than a dog. Yep, that's it. No batshit crazy-as-fuck analogy of an unusual happenstance, just a dog. So therefore, the sentences made a certain degree of nonsensical sense. Intriguing. Blarg.

So now that the introduction has unsuccessfully introduced this (the actual introduction) we must hasten onwards with today's triumphant tale of much wonder and veluptuosity.

Today, I ate a fish.


Sunday, 11 September 2011

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Because I are one bad motherfucker. You heard me.

So I was walking down the street the other day and I see guy do a backflip triple-shit-kick-spin into a passing motorcycle and was entirely absorbed by the motorcyclist into a new dimension. After gazing in awe at the strange happenstance, I ate my own eyeballs.

Just kidding. I didn't really eat my eyeballs. But I did shit myself.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

In Continuation From My Previous Exclamations...

It transpired that Mr. Christmas himself lived in a small flat in the middle of Swindon. Unfortunately for me and my sidekick, Captain Jacob McCrumpet-Buggerer, Swindon (as we all know) is surrounded by an impenetrable 50 metre high steel wall, complete with its very own moat made of pure fire and dead train station staff.

We realised that the only way to cross was to become 100 foot tall and simply climb over the wall. We also realised that this idea, no matter how genius, was impractical, as humans have certain growth limitations. Those giraffes have it so fucking easy! However, after circling the moat of pure fire we noticed some large concrete stepping stones that were magically not melting. Fire balls with faces started jumping out of the moat to an inaudible metronome and it became worryingly apparent that we had walked into a game of Super Mario Galaxy. Thank god we had recently taken a masterclass in jumping inhuman heights as seen in every game ever, apart from all the really stupid games where your character can't jump coz his ankles are arthritic or his legs are on vertical strike or his shins have contracted AIDS or some bullcrap.

Navigating the maze of infinite ease was comparably completed with infinite ease and we soon found oursekf at the heart of the castle of doom that was Swindon. Steve then turned up out of the blue to apologise for being late and offered us a pie. Pie is where I obtain all of my power so as we faced the mighty 100 foot beast known as "Santa" we gathered all our might as the great and omnipotent force that is The Original Team Awesome and we smote him down with the power of our mortal blades.

And that, kids, is what happens when you take Acid. Remember, don't do drugs. Unless you're really cool, in which case take as much as possible coz it will kill you and nobody likes the cool kids. You drugged up junkie bastard spawn of hippies. BLARG!

Monday, 5 September 2011

Train Station Workers Are Nazis

Because they shouted at me when I was on my bike and threatened to both fine me £80 and, upon complaining that they were being cunts, to call the police. Me and Jacob left to continue our magical advernture to discover the true Father Christmas and left the vile, shit-eating, fucktarded arseholes to live their pathetic, empty and pointless little lives and their laughably late night shift hours. They will die lonely and horrifically after violently vomiting their brains out whilst being particularly rude to a common pigeon.

But enough about them, let us discuss our wonderous adventure of much herp, derp and overall joy and hilarity as we ventured deep into the bussom of the Ladymead Porsche Garage. It was here we knew we would be sure to find Sonic the Hedgehog having an O.D. on heroin. We knew only he could tell us where the real Santa was...

Friday, 2 September 2011


Well, this game is for nerds, good sir, and by jove am I marvelled by your eccentric whittisisms and such.

In other news, a lampost has been christened Toffee Pudding, named after it's mother, who happened to be a chocolate labrador. News reporters were stunned to find that the chocolate labrador was actually made out of chocolate. From this news erupted the mass cull of several million chocolate labradors that were eaten by fat kids. How they were caught is anyone's guess, but I have sufficient evidence to state that it was because of the "science" of wizardry, and fat kids' new ability to fly or levitate. I fear I am getting rather far from the point here, and I do not wish to be fired by Alan Sugar for delaying this intriguing piece of knowledge. However, I myself did try one of these chocolate labradors and as far as I could tell they tasted of wet dog. Perhaps it was just the one actual chocolate labrador. Anywho, "Toffee Pudding" is to be given as a great gift of kindness from the Satsuma Factory workers of Lower Ashcroft in Malaysia to the poor dying orphan children of one of the world's poorest towns, London.
This generous parting gift is London's goodbye gift from Malaysia as it becomes the first country to travel across to a new dimension. Luckily, this lampost contains kidney beans, which have been scientifically proven to be magic. Unfortunately, nobody was aware of this fact, yet it would be treasured for many years to come. Tenses are a great thing aren't they. I just changed tenses at least the number of 2 times. TENSES.

Koreans are people too, don't be so vacuous and vitriolic. You heterophobe.

Spongewank. That is correct, now your mission is to give it a meaning! Make it perfect... and bring me my darned coffee...

Sunday, 7 August 2011

"Who Do You Love Adam?" ..."HAYLEY WILLIAMS!"

I may have said that when I was drunk last Tuesday night. After a great party I decided to start listening to my iPod, and then Jacob filmed it and now I look like such white-trash. :(

Also it would appear that when drunk I have a penchant for pop-punk. o.0

But, as is tradition, here is the song that graced my friends ears as it spewed ungraciously from my somewhat inebriated tongue. (What a wonderful thing language happens to be).
She is a bit of a bitch, but this record was pretty damn awesome, so Hayley is forgiven.

Watchin' Futurama, recordin' songs and drawin' pics. That's my day. Pretty sick and shit.

So that's me. T'rah.